This is a blog based on the sad story, a real-life story of a house-wife with depression. Woman, a wife and a mother.
It’s my un-told story.
It’s every mum with depression story. Many will find themselves right in the middle of it, a story many related to it, but never got the chance or the courage to share their story.
A Story that might resonate in your ears and in your heart. A story that might make you realized you are not alone you’re not crazy, you’re not cruel, you’re not useless and pathetic and if you find yourself fit right in to this story, then I am pleased and forever pleased my mission has completed with you.
It’s been over ten years and still going since I started my struggle with depression.
I have added a category for my deeply depressed days. You can navigate to it and have a read. If you find something that is like your way of thinking at deep dark moments, please leave me a comment. I would appreciate that.
It’s a mind blowing experience I have never experienced in my life. My experience and struggles with depression are like yours, full of sadness and sorrow.
At the peak of my depression, I started a YouTube channel. I was so desperate to share my struggle in the hope someone will come across it and let me know I am not alone. My condition got worse. I ended up spending all my days in bed, so I abandoned the channel as quick as it went up.
I felt so alone, so isolated.
I felt like I was struggling with something peculiar to only a certain type of people. Depression is not unheard of and certainly not unknown to me. However, I have always known it as something that associated with weak people or people who have a defect in their brain but due to what I do not know. I knew all along there was a stigma associated with depression and this stigma is worse with mothers.
Around the same time I started the YouTube channel, I also a blogged. I used the blog more like a journal, a virtual someone to share my pain and struggles with. An imaginary supporter, if you like. I didn’t understand the world I was living in. I didn’t know who to turn to or where to turn to. I had no one on my side that can see through me what I’m going through.
I wrote a lot about how I feel on a particular day. If my day is low and I feel I can’t bear it alone, then I write and let go of how I feel on my blog. The blog was an exit to freedom, although virtual, but it did me wondrous in freeing my mind and my soul of the burden at all times. It really was a golden hole to breathe out the pain and the struggle.
Here I am, starting it all over again in the hope you or someone who is in the same shadow can find a place to finally called “virtual home” a place to find peace watching the life of someone like you unveiling in front of your eyes just like that. Feeling a sense of belonging somewhere, a sense of acceptance and normality that is hard or impossible to find in the physical world.
Be my quest, release your inhibition and chat away, let go of your pain and your struggles, you’re not alone. There are millions of you and me around this cruel world. This blog is for you. Find your reflection around this place, navigate to “behind the mind of the depressed” to find a story from my real-life experiences with depression as a mum.
somewhere in middle to late 2019, I felt a little better, and it was then I realized how bad the condition of our home has been.
There was so much pain and confusion as I looked around and realized what has really been going on all these years.
While I still fall back sick now and then, I have a burning desire to push on to get things back to what it used to be before I came down with depression. I was facing a huge wave pushing me backwards, and it scares the hell out of my soul.
Sometimes I cried because I can’t do it. I just cannot move. There is just no energy, no motivation, no willpower. My inner self wants to get things done. This is one of the most difficult time of my life. During the peak of my depression, it blinded me about what was going around me. Dishes can pile for days and days on end. It never affects me, never bothered me like before when I was healthy.
I noticed the transition from a healthy person to an unhealthy person at the beginning. The transition was scary. I will tap into the beginning of my depression on another post so we don’t mix up and also to give you are a clear view of how I started with me. The signs, etc.. It will also help family members to identify these signs.
I was fighting a losing battle.
The desire to keep my home clean and do what I have always been doing to take care of my family was now against the effect of depression. There was an overwhelming frustration building inside me. The frustration turns into anger, then into fear, then into pain, then sadness, to tears day in and day out.
Then one day an avalanche of all these emotions came at me and just crushed me mercilessly to the extended. I felt like I was dying from inside.
I was struggling, whiles trying to get a grip of my life as it falls into pieces while I was still breathing.
Never the less, there is hope. But hope needs your help. Hope needs a partner to work with, together you can both bring things to a better stage.
I have come to realized nothing that is possible is really impossible until we decide it’s not possible before we even give it a go.
Power of the mind
I have also come to realize the power of our mind is nothing we never heard of before and it’s something little of the human specie population believes is real. But, that human nature, we only believe in things visible to the eyes. While in fact, it really is something miraculous, that could really make one’s life as smooth as can ever possibly be. When one believe in it and adopts it with enthusiastic and utter belief, miracles happen. But like anything in life, we have to work hard to earn it.
I am a woman, a daughter, a wife, a mother, and now a grandmother. I am an idealistic woman who believes in herself. I’m creative, love home lifestyle, cooking, organisation, keeping my house as not just that, but a warm home for my family to come to at the end of their days, to find a home cooked meal and dessert served with smiles.
My focus is on my family. As my children grow, they all become different individuals, each to his own needs. Parenting with depression is a battle worth mentioning. It makes the struggles with a depression like fire surrounding you from every-where, and you have nowhere to escape. (I’ll make a post on this topic, separate).
I’m an avid vintage collector.
My passion is being who I really am from the inside out without the need to follow any trending style, fashion, culture etc,
I love second-hand store shopping. It’s one place I find peace just by browsing all kinds of weird and unrecognizable things nicely display on shelves or dump at the bottom of some boxes.
Vintage is my fashion style!
My Fashion Store: Second-hand Stores
Simplicity, affordability, manageable and functionality are my ideal way of decor and organization in my home.
I rarely buy from a department store. Above, I find peace in op-shops, so it’s not surprising that even my home decor is mostly from op-shop stores. You can’t find vintage and antiques at department stores.
My children hate op-shops. Even just the mentioned of it creates chaos in my house.
I’m not a fan of mass production products, unless it’s a need that can’t be from a secondhand shop. (which is everything we need daily)
I love gardening. It’s the one thing I appreciate the most. I get to do some physical activities whiles breathing fresh life inside my soul.
Taking a nap every afternoon has proven to be a lifeline.
I could not go without an afternoon nap. If I nap on my bed, it means, not a nap but sleep. So most of the time I nap on the cushions or on the recline seat for 20 to 45 minutes. It may sound very short, but trust me, it really is a powerful energizer to take me through the whole afternoon and early evening to finish up all important things I need to do before I go to bed.
I will share all other stories with you in the right category.
Copyright, The Perfect House-wife real life – 2022