Come with me behind the scene of my life with depression.
Sometimes I bush myself so hard I literally collapse. And sometimes I just walk away from it all.
Join me behind the scene. I know you will see yourself here, and recognise lots of patterns most mums with depression shares. It’s a constant battle to find that balance.
To search ways to function as a mum and a wife and as a woman, the person I am.
It’s a taunting job to be this person responsible for little souls who depend on me to look after them. Kids are used to come to me if they need something. Then suddenly I am not available.
It’s disheartening and painful to not be able to tend to the kids when necessary. The intense guilt and grief are unbearable. A lot of the times, I just want to sleep forever and never wake up again unless I wake up normal.
It took years for me to reach where I am now. I am perfectly normal now? NO, nowhere near the person I used to be.
Am I coping? yes and NO, depending on how my medication and how it works on that day or how my body feels. Near my period is a bad time (PMS) or when I have some flash back of whatever that hurts?
Some times, it’s nothing. There’s just so much sadness, but I can’t put my finger on the hurt issue.
Cleaning was tiring, depressing, exhausting, painful. The sudden shift in the way things look in the house just killed my soul. The clutter was unbearable. Here I am, useless and broken and can no longer keep things clean like I use to. The environment was toxic. But there was no help, nowhere to turn. Useless, sick or not, I have to do it all.
Staying on top of things
I’ve been good at keeping up with things and stay on top of things, but I am looking into something different. Something more empowering that is for me.
I have a daily routine to stick to. It helps me stay on top of things and it made things easier for me. Then, there will be the day when I break the routine. Do nothing but just do as I wish.
Breaking the routine
Breaking the routine doesn’t mean live with the mess and the clutter and the filth for however long I wish to. But to give myself something just for me. I don’t want to feel I’m like a slave in my home. Or a housemaid, obliged to do things on time every time and every day. (A lesson I learnt from depression.)
Breaking the routine is a very new thing I’m trying on. I felt so overwhelmed with the load of work, the lack of help, the responsibilities of motherhood. The depression itself and how it abuses my body and mind. How it sucks me out of my human soul.
I felt like giving up a million times over and over. I was over the whole struggle. Being a full-time mother was hard enough, but adding the burden of depression was too much.
Breaking the routine was empowering. It meant having control over my depression and my own life. It meant I don’t have to salve to housework when I can’t. It also meant, I can take it easy on myself.
A new perspective on life with depression.
Feeling exhausted all the time. Running on empty all the time. Not wanting to get out of bed, not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t. My body is weak, my head is spinning, I’m drained of all energy. Opening my eyes hurts.
When is it going to end? How long do I have to be emotionally, physically, and mentally weak?
These are questions difficult to ask myself and difficult to answer, because there is really no answer.
So now I am working on reshaping my life. I want to put myself and my mental health first as the key to managing the house and the kids efficiently without a breakdown.
I must have the heart and the strength to make this new change. I feel deeply it is what will make a huge positive change in my life. And my life around my family as a mum and wife.
It’s important for me to remind myself at all times
I have no plan, I just have to dive into it, and use my own emotions and common sense to guide me to realise when I need to break the routine, when I need to take a rest, when I need to get out to nature et.,
My right to feel free and important.
I want to feel free and not pressured to do things. I want the freedom to say; okay; I’m not cooking today, or I’m not doing laundry today etc.,
I want that power to decide what’s next with me at the forefront in mind.
I want to feel in control of the situation. I don’t want house chores to control me and determine for me what’s next.
I have been afraid of lacking behind. Afraid of not being able to cook when I’m tired. Afraid of the laundry piling up to the celling.
A fear that has been hanging over my head all the years I was stuck in my bed and in my head.
It’s a process that needs time and needs will power, to jump on another stone one at a time, until I reach my goal.
Going from a healthy and capable being to a weak and confused person, was hard.
Since the beginning of my struggle. My brain was all over the place.
I wasted how many days of my life on crying and how many wasted on thinking of giving up on this life?
I’ll continue with this post in another post.
In the meantime, you can visit Behind the mind of the depressed. It’s where you will find my deeply painful diary.
Or visit House-wife Daily to check out my daily housework life mess.
Thank you for reading this post. If you want to ask about this post. Please do so.