Laundry is one of those things most mothers have a love hate relationship with.
We constantly worry about laundry. Every time I meet up with a friend or a mother at the kids school, laundry seem to be a auto pilot topic, it just pops up in all weather conditions. 

During my deepest dark years with depression, laundry became the nightmare I wish to eliminate from my life. I started to slack, laundry will go without a movement in the laundry room for days however I made an effort to wash towels everyday.

Years before I started to feel the effect of depression on my body, I had no problem with laundry it was a natural thing to embrace and to accept especially as I have a big family to wash for.
I stayed on top of things and laundry had it’s own time and routine that was going smooth without a hiccup.

Th first sign of my struggle with laundry was when I started to have breakdowns in the laundry room every single day-yes, every single day-

I thought nothing of it, and right away put it down to the growing number of my family with teenagers going through the teen chaos dragging us into it.

At this point, I continued to do laundry as usual, wash, hang, bring inside, fold and put away, all with a feeling of resentment and sadness, anger and frustration. 

I was angry at the world,angry at my husband angry at myself, angry at the laundry and all housework I have to deal with everyday.

I was just a sad housewife. There was nothing to live for nothing to hope for nothing to look forward to. The is black and still. 

Then came the day when struggling with laundry really kicked in.

I didn’t care about laundry anymore.  I was bed ridden, useless, function-less broken and miserable. By this time I have been diagnosed with depression and started medication.

The active part of my brain that always remember laundry and stick to it’s routine has come to an end, it has stopped functioning. Never the less, I pushed hard, but then I noticed the more I push and the harder I try to ignore my body demands the worse I was getting. I went from just breakdowns to self-harm.

Towels was on of those things I could never skip weather I am about to die from exhaustion or en-counting a deadly break down due to the immense pressure to wash the towels at a time when all i want is to stay in bed for as long as I am feeling deep down the gutter. [thanks to me]

Laundry is one of those things most mothers have a love hate relationship with.
We constantly worry about laundry. Every time I meet up with a friend or a mother at the kids school, laundry seem to be a auto pilot topic, it just pops up in all weather conditions. 

During my deepest dark years with depression, laundry became the nightmare I wish to eliminate from my life. I started to slack, laundry will go without a movement in the laundry room for days however I made an effort to wash towels everyday.

Years before I started to feel the effect of depression on my body, I had no problem with laundry it was a natural thing to embrace and to accept especially as I have a big family to wash for.
I stayed on top of things and laundry had it’s own time and routine that was going smooth without a hiccup.

Th first sign of my struggle with laundry was when I started to have breakdowns in the laundry room every single day-yes, every single day-

I thought nothing of it, and right away put it down to the growing number of my family with teenagers going through the teen chaos dragging us into it.

At this point, I continued to do laundry as usual, wash, hang, bring inside, fold and put away, all with a feeling of resentment and sadness, anger and frustration. 

I was angry at the world,angry at my husband angry at myself, angry at the laundry and all housework I have to deal with everyday.

I was just a sad housewife. There was nothing to live for nothing to hope for nothing to look forward to. The is black and still. 

Then came the day when struggling with laundry really kicked in.

I didn’t care about laundry anymore.  I was bed ridden, useless, function-less broken and miserable. By this time I have been diagnosed with depression and started medication.

The active part of my brain that always remember laundry and stick to it’s routine has come to an end, it has stopped functioning. Never the less, I pushed hard, but then I noticed the more I push and the harder I try to ignore my body demands the worse I was getting. I went from just breakdowns to self-harm.

Yet I’m still denying anything major going on, medication has worked it’s magic yet, so things were still with no change and my life is continuing on it’s own destructive path.

Laundry finally became one of my worst enemies in the chores department. I no longer remember what it was like to have laundry done in a daily basis and I no longer make an effort to put a load in the machine. 

Laundry pile to the top i could get buried alive under the piles and no one will notice and no one will ever find me.  

That whole part of my brain that was so sensitive to children clothes hygiene was no longer there, somehow it was at busy I was on a different galaxy.

Looking back now I feel it was the best thing to happen at that time I could only image the worse of things could have been if that part of my brain that was consistence with keeping up and following up kids laundry was still active. 
Today after a decade plus of years under the dark cloud of depression in a mental coma. I am awaken to the most painful truth to date of life with depression as a mother with kids relying on you for their daily needs etc,

I am confronted with the reality of life with depression as a mother. My whole house is in complete disarray nothing is in place, nothing is inline with who I once was. 

How did all these escaped unnoticed all those years, how did I never feel the need to be the woman and the mother I have always been?
The answer lies within my brain the effect of depression has obviously touched some of the connections in there in that highly sensitive and complicated network lap.

Today at the time of this post, I have managed to get over the guilt that was killing me from inside my soul. I realized, every time I dwell in the past and engaged in the guilt, nothing gets better nothing is ever done to improve the situation, except depression over depression. 

I tell myself whenever the frustration and the guilt pops up. There are great lessons here in this depression you suffered, you just need to look deeply and focus. This is absolutely true and I’m grateful for the lessons I have learned from my depression.