A new life to despise, a new life to embrace with bitterness. All the dreams and the excitement of a future with children and husband living a perfect family we’ve been working so hard to build since we got married.

Five years on medication with no change makes a new life to despise within my reach.

I spent my days in bed. I long to be alone for the rest of whatever days left of my life. Mothers can’t wait to get the kids out the door to school for many reasons. A break with oneself with a hot cup of coffee in peace. A walk in the morning for some fresh air to calm one’s stressful head. To catch up with some few more hours of lost sleep. For me, it’s to be alone with my pain, to sleep away my exhaustion nonstop. To drown my sorrows in the death of sleep.

My life spiraling out of control months and months earlier before I was diagnosed with depression five years ago with break downs every single day, tears every single day, hurting myself every single day.

What have I become? I asked myself. In denial of anything major yet depression was ever so close to my mind than it could have ever been since I was diagnosed with postnatal depression after my third baby years ago.

Something was surely wrong I admitted to myself but when one is in denial of the truth that lurks around, a truth like a fish bone too sharp and painful to swallow too tough for my gut to digest, combine with an ever growing list of responsibilities on my plate I was in the making of a nuclear reactor inside my tired fragile mind ready to explode to a level I could never expect or imagine.

Oblivious to what was coming, in denial of what was happening lead to a delay to seek help.

“I’m the perfect woman nothing could affect me, I can’t be suffering depression. I’m too good for depression. Women who are suffering depression are too weak to take on motherhood. Too fragile to cope with their past. I’m just tired of waking up to the same thing everyday, I’m just tired of life in the house around the clock, I’m just tired of laundry, I’m tired of having no other adult to talk to, to vent to, to laugh and to share a cup of tea with”

Denial is comforting, it makes me alive and feel strong at times when I get close to the truth. It remove any doubts that can affect my reputation as the perfect mother, the perfect housewife, the perfect woman. I can’t be cover in shame of weakness and failure in my duties.

When denial finally gave in and the truth finally surfaced clean and clear, it will take years to heal, to forget to accept and to learn to live with it on a daily basis. I’s the beginning of an endless arduous journey to despise. It’s harshness if felt too deep to reach too deep to be console too deep to be fixed.

The longest appointment with a doctor I have ever done, more than two hours of tears of despair and fear, inconsolable

My appointment lasted two hours. I broke down in tears my heart bound with distress and relieved I now have someone to talk to.

It really wasn’t about getting help with medication it was about letting my chest free of all the hidden burden of thoughts that kills

The doctor agreed with my husband i am suffering clinical depression.

On the day of my visit to the doctor I was put on medication, however I refuse to accept a life depends on medication

The look of  a laundry pile tears me apart and this is a daily thing, one could only image what life must have been for a woman stuck in her home made prisoner within her own home by her life style that she could never changed.

The kitchen every morning despite my efforts to get it all cleaned before bed. was enough to make me fall on my knees and burst in to tears.

I felt like a salve, I felt forgotten, unloved, unimportant.

The daily struggle with these thoughts trying to understand this pain and heartache that has taken control of me was tiring, exhausting and disheartening.

It wasn’t long before I was reduced to a useless human sleeping all day.

The laundry stay for days, the house without a clean, the bathrooms were abandoned for days.

My husband took it upon himself to clean the bathrooms and the toilets and that was a relieved as it is the most important thing I need to keep it clean.