It’s been a tough week. I have been feeling tired and unmotivated. Often, I can overcome any downs with mental exercises. And sometimes, nothing helps. This is the case for this week and today was the worse of the week.

It’s difficult to think positive when your brain is not doing its job efficiently to connect the nerves together for the mind to work efficiently. It’s when the brain services is not running smoothly, that causes these unfortunate days.

Usually I will have two doses of my medication a day. Today I had three doses. I was in the middle of dinner preparation when I felt like I was going to melt away from this earth. The feeling was awful. My tears were just right there, ready to flow down unstoppable.

I had no choice but to take another dose. I am not a good patient. I often, if not all the time, ignored the doctor’s instructions.  I couldn’t be bothered doctors non sense when I need to survive.

Any way, I was exhausted when my husband woke me up for breakfast this morning. I could have just slept and not had breakfast, but I needed to take my medicine and the medication had to be taken with food.

I stayed a bit longer on my phone, editing my YouTube videos. Then eventually I got up and went to the shower. I felt very slow, unmotivated. I  looked at the laundry tumbler of the day and I was happy it wasn’t as much as I thought it would be like. That was a good start to the day.

I went down to the house after my shower. The house was clean and the kitchen was clean. That made things a lot easier and helped me stay balanced. At the background, I could feel something was not right. I took sometime to do some mental exercise, which helped and I could go down to the laundry and put a load in the washing machine. 

The day continued slow, unmotivated and just annoying. I had a plan for a task of the day but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t bother with “the task of the day” routine. When I don’t feel good, cleaning comes last. It’s always a smarter choice. I dare not play with my condition. The cost is ugly and devastating.

While everything seem to go on as normal, I was not in a mood to do anything. But I have to, because the laundry was already piling since I wasn’t okay since Monday.The dinner needs to be ready by dinner time. 

Depression or not, the family needs to eat. Anyway, I went on with cooking and doing laundry at the same time. Then suddenly my anxiety got the hold on me. And I felt like I was going to loose my mind and my tears were ready to burst like a burst pipe.

I rushed to the medication and took an extra dose. It took a while for it to work, though it didn’t work as good as it usually would. I really was in a deep pain. My head was just spinning, and I was trying to hold myself together. I didn’t want to suffer a meltdown in-front of the kids and my husband and especially at dinnertime.

I left my family at the table to have dinner and I went on the computer and start editing a YouTube video and wrote a post draft. That helped to calm my nerves down. Once I fell good, I went on with the rest of the cleaning. By then my family has finished dinner and has moved to their rooms and to the living room.

I went to the kitchen, set up my phone to record the kitchen cleaning for YouTube and start cleaning. Kids were busy getting ready to go see a movie. I continued on with kitchen cleaning, at the same time I doing laundry. I desperately needed to finish the laundry of today and the leftover from yesterday. 

Before I finished the kitchen cleaning, I got another anxiety. I felt so low and so lost. A sense of resentment started to decent on me and I was on the verge of a breakdown. Trying to hold myself together was a tough mission. I continued on until I finished the kitchen cleaning, but at the end. I was exhausted. The emotional turmoil took a toll on me.

It’s 9:52pm now and I feel a lot better. So now I will go down to the washing machine to take out the last load and put it in the dryer, then that will be it for today. I might watch something or just read a book before bed. 

I will upload tonight’s kitchen cleaning video tomorrow, then put up the link here.

I hope you have a great day. Better than mine. Talk to you soon 🙂 

Take care everyone 🙂